My 21 days' journey is coming to an end in less than 24 hours!!! Hooray!
I've learnt a lot or rather re-learned quite some.
That is not why I find myself exhausted though.
Mama, I will not whine about what you never told me regarding adulthood.
See, it has been more than a fortnight of me not writing anything. It's not that I've been in limbo, no. I have lived through many moments I would have loved to share with you here but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe Mama, i've been choking on the very air that has been keeping me going. #Sigh
There are all these expectations around me that make me want to escape to a not known place. Don't get me wrong, am not complaining about motherhood. That is just about the only fulfilling responsibility in my stance right now.
But, I've made the acquaintance of people. Some good. Really good people who have put me as priority in my time of need.
Others came to my space to use me a sample for whatever relational experimental projects they had running in their lives. Take for instance a couple of friends who at one time nick named me "The Communicator". What hurts most is I thought these two were the best thing that had come my way since I became a mother. The chemistry was right. I put them somewhere up there close to my own blood relations. I loved these two in the only way I knew how. Confided in them at the slightest provocation. I didn't know what holding back was when it came to these two.
But, in all that giving, I didn't stop to think or see that I was simply a pawn. Being pushed around for their own miscommunication or creation for pillow talk. When I stop to think about the times I should have seen what was going on, I wish I could kick myself over and over again. I am ashamed of myself for being so gullible.
Both were so clever, they always noticed when I was slipping away and would then feed me a few morsels off their table which kept me around some more. Like a dog, I kept to this Triangle. Until, I couldn't. It shattered me. The day it finally hit that I was just a pawn. That day. It shattered me.
Well, it will be a while before I recover from that abuse but wherever these two are, I pray they don't use another. I pray they find a way of being human.
Mama, and then there is an annoying crop of parent, that believes Children will be raised through an email. How do I tell them that my email parenting application crashed? How do I say, that the last email attachment I received has flourished into a nice little handsome two year old boy who stops to ask me why am crying. And he will say Sorry Mummy even though I haven't given him an answer. How do I tell them, these previously email attachments have turned into real people with emotions? How do I say, "my email does not work anymore"?
Furthermore, Mama, there are those other people who think am either a clown or their gateway to entertainment. There are these Social Media networks and am sad to say that I've been held ransom by my followers.
They will come accusing me of a "wrong comment" i wrote somewhere! Or whatever! Thing is, thought I had a right to write what I want to. Oh! There is a particular one who thinks am plastic on social media and should just quit it all together. Atti, everything I do is for show. The charity runs I engage in are for some sort of showing off or gloating or something! It saddens me that the one person who claims to have your back is the same one who will not hesitate to move a knife through your smiling heart.
Mother, I don't know. I wish I could get on the road and drive around for days on end. Stopping to eat, pee and bathe. I've stocked up on music I would listen to on my journey. Got me some Norman Brown, Dave Koz, Elvis Presley, Evanscence (sp), Micheal Bublè, Michael Kitanda, some Charmant. Lots of Bachata, Meringue and Salsa tunes. Am sure if I could drive around, I would forget some of these things. But I can't drive around just yet. However, we'll keep dancing in our little house with my little people.
Little people who believe Mummy is Mummy. Mummy is not showing off. Mummy punishes them when they are wrong and that does not make them want to leave home for boarding school.
I will stay with my little humans.
I hope all is good in that world you live in now. One day, we might just meet up.
