This Litro boy trying out new things..
new foods
new sounds..
testing out smiles.
I love your smile son.
I love it.
I love your toothless smile. No teeth, and lots of drool...
Micah, you have brought the sun back.
Put that spring in my step.
By the way, I've been complimented on my walking...once again.
Hadn't heard that in a long long time.
And oh, yeah, Did i tell you your sisters are smitten.
Wait when Christa comes home. You will fall in love with her before she does you.
And I know she'll love you back just as much. If not more.
Micah Micah Micah,
You already know the color of your plate.
You know the color of the Potty- Grandma can't stop talking about it.
she's so proud of you...so am I.
Your father would be proud of you too. am sure of that. He would be.
getting off here so, that we can love some more...make memories.
Loving you Son. <3
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Reflections
Here i am, with all this sadness inside me.
am not even sure if am sad or assuming i am.
It's been a while, a long long while.
And all this time, I just let things boil up inside me.
Now, I can hardly breath. Been holding my breath too long, I nearly forgot how to breath.
It hurts to breath. It hurts to be free.
I know am just being a silly little child, instead of wallowing in my freedom
am here cringing at the whispers of the wind.
It used to be fun to fly free.
USED to be fun.
What happened to my free spirit.
What happened to that free child who used to run whenever the drums played.
One could say, I became a Mum. Yeah, I became a Mother.
But then again, mothering is not supposed to be a prison.
Am not in a prison.
Am in heaven..
Parenting is fun. Single parenting is fun though its not the best fun.
I love my children. I would do anything and everything for them.
What hurts me right now is the fact that they are fixing me.
My children want to make me happy.
I should be the one making them happy.
But then again, an apple doesn't fall far from the tree.... is that what they say?
I think so. In this case, why am i complaing that they r tryna fix me.
I am a fixer. I like fixing things.
I always find a solution. Its not a failure until I say it is. I seldom fail.
I like to think of myself as a fixer.
Maybe that's why i look the other way while others hurt me.
All I want to be is a good mother.
Am i being a bad mother by not giving up my children to a step mother?
Not that I hate step mothers...
But it breaks my heart, am terrified of the day my children will refer to another woman as Mummy
when am still alive.
When I die, it won't hurt. I will appreciate a new mother for my children when am dead.
Not when am alive.
Ram thinks i just hate him by not giving him the children.
He's refused to do child support on grounds that i won't give him the kids.
He had the guts to bring his girlfriend to my house and tell my babies that she's their Mum.
Poor souls were confused. Months later they still had a problem between calling her Aunt for Daddy and Daddy said she's my mother.
Why would one confuse little children like that?
Shouldn't they be able to chose for themselves.
We can't choose who are our parents are...if they are still alive and if they have not given us up.
So i keep asking myself, is this what this guy had in mind. I give birth to my children and give them up to him.
Is that why he kept lying to me....and just when the kids were the right number he felt he could just sweep them from me and i am supposed to do that willingly. Let him take my babies away.
I have lived the last five years for these babies. Given up all. I had never bought myself a new telephone handset since I got Altrairah. Always had hand me downs.
Alright, i get it, it was my fault. No one asked me to give up my life for them.
But I did anyway, because they deserved it. It is their right to be loved.
To be given all, to be given everything.
I got them with my eyes open. They weren't products of drunk experiments.
I carried each of them for nine whole months, and went through normal natural childbirth. Painful and sweet.
And call me selfish. Call me stupid. Brand me. Gimme all names you might think of.
But for as long as I breath in and out, For as along as i have all my faculties working,
am not giving up my children.
Ram started his life, lied to me.. I should have listened to the hints he dropped regarding the new baby.
But then, ram has never been one for being honest. Maybe he's started now. I hope he has started now.
It's a journey. and am sure I'll make it.Am sure we'll make it. Where there is a will there is a way.
This journey is not ending now. Its just beginning.
The struggle continues. single Parenting will have to rock. It will have to do.
am not even sure if am sad or assuming i am.
It's been a while, a long long while.
And all this time, I just let things boil up inside me.
Now, I can hardly breath. Been holding my breath too long, I nearly forgot how to breath.
It hurts to breath. It hurts to be free.
I know am just being a silly little child, instead of wallowing in my freedom
am here cringing at the whispers of the wind.
It used to be fun to fly free.
USED to be fun.
What happened to my free spirit.
What happened to that free child who used to run whenever the drums played.
One could say, I became a Mum. Yeah, I became a Mother.
But then again, mothering is not supposed to be a prison.
Am not in a prison.
Am in heaven..
Parenting is fun. Single parenting is fun though its not the best fun.
I love my children. I would do anything and everything for them.
What hurts me right now is the fact that they are fixing me.
My children want to make me happy.
I should be the one making them happy.
But then again, an apple doesn't fall far from the tree.... is that what they say?
I think so. In this case, why am i complaing that they r tryna fix me.
I am a fixer. I like fixing things.
I always find a solution. Its not a failure until I say it is. I seldom fail.
I like to think of myself as a fixer.
Maybe that's why i look the other way while others hurt me.
All I want to be is a good mother.
Am i being a bad mother by not giving up my children to a step mother?
Not that I hate step mothers...
But it breaks my heart, am terrified of the day my children will refer to another woman as Mummy
when am still alive.
When I die, it won't hurt. I will appreciate a new mother for my children when am dead.
Not when am alive.
Ram thinks i just hate him by not giving him the children.
He's refused to do child support on grounds that i won't give him the kids.
He had the guts to bring his girlfriend to my house and tell my babies that she's their Mum.
Poor souls were confused. Months later they still had a problem between calling her Aunt for Daddy and Daddy said she's my mother.
Why would one confuse little children like that?
Shouldn't they be able to chose for themselves.
We can't choose who are our parents are...if they are still alive and if they have not given us up.
So i keep asking myself, is this what this guy had in mind. I give birth to my children and give them up to him.
Is that why he kept lying to me....and just when the kids were the right number he felt he could just sweep them from me and i am supposed to do that willingly. Let him take my babies away.
I have lived the last five years for these babies. Given up all. I had never bought myself a new telephone handset since I got Altrairah. Always had hand me downs.
Alright, i get it, it was my fault. No one asked me to give up my life for them.
But I did anyway, because they deserved it. It is their right to be loved.
To be given all, to be given everything.
I got them with my eyes open. They weren't products of drunk experiments.
I carried each of them for nine whole months, and went through normal natural childbirth. Painful and sweet.
And call me selfish. Call me stupid. Brand me. Gimme all names you might think of.
But for as long as I breath in and out, For as along as i have all my faculties working,
am not giving up my children.
Ram started his life, lied to me.. I should have listened to the hints he dropped regarding the new baby.
But then, ram has never been one for being honest. Maybe he's started now. I hope he has started now.
It's a journey. and am sure I'll make it.Am sure we'll make it. Where there is a will there is a way.
This journey is not ending now. Its just beginning.
The struggle continues. single Parenting will have to rock. It will have to do.
Shoot me down-but I won't fall
Jajja Star.
All your Ls, Rs, And every other letter that was not in place is now in place.
No more, am going to 'sheep'
Its a clear Sleep.
No more aunt Baliye
Its now Babirye.
I didnt see this coming, I didnt even see you change. Its like it happened over night.
Yet it didn't. You kept trying so hard to sound like me. Correct your words.
And now, your sister is also doing the same. She's just 2 years and looks like the 'sheep' age wont last long.
She's already saying sshleep.
You my lovely daughter. Are just that. Lovely.
Resilient.
Just last night, out of the blue, you told me you wanted to stay with Mummy.
That.. 'I want to stay with Mummy' broke my heart to pieces. In a very nice way.
There is no battle for whomever you stay with. We just want you to be happy.
We want you to feel all the love we can give.
Mummy loves you, Daddy loves you.
Please don't choose between us. Please don't choose.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Things left un-said
My dear little lovely loving child.
Every day that goes by I can't help but love you a little bit more.
Am not a trophy mum, am no super mum
And am not even sure am doing my best at mothering you.
What I know is that the feeling I have in my chest is beyond anything the English language can describe.
Sometimes I hardly hear a thing you say, looking at you plays heavenly music in my head and heart.
I just ask myself what life would be like without you in it.
I dont want to go there, I wouldn't know what i would have missed out.
Against all odds, I had you.
Against all 'logical calls' I had you.
Against 'common sense' I had you.
and Now, I can't stop celebrating what the world called a stupid decision.
I love you Azzaria Lexi Luiga.
I hear you call yourself Jaja Luiga.
Well, Mummy comes home tired sometimes.
And am apologising for the night before last.
I missed out on quality time.
I got home, tired, hungry and stressed at the fact that I'd lost one of my phones.
My love am sorry, i put the phone before you.
I brushed you off, you wanted to sit next to me and i kept asking you to go watch TV.
You are not one to keep quiet but you resiliently silently sat by me while i called everyone to alert them.
When you slept tht night, and i lay awake thinking and planning for the next day, I felt like a failure.
All you wanted was some of my time.
I vowed to make it up to you the next night.
only to find you already asleep.
my heart crushed.
My love, i may not be good at keeping promises but I'll do my best to listen to you
Laugh with you. fight the biyenje with you.
Answer all your questions.
Even buy you more grapes and will be patient until you stop calling them balls and graduate to Grapes.
I love you Little Plexi Lexi.
My princess, my love. My Daughter.
With love,
Ma
Every day that goes by I can't help but love you a little bit more.
Am not a trophy mum, am no super mum
And am not even sure am doing my best at mothering you.
What I know is that the feeling I have in my chest is beyond anything the English language can describe.
Sometimes I hardly hear a thing you say, looking at you plays heavenly music in my head and heart.
I just ask myself what life would be like without you in it.
I dont want to go there, I wouldn't know what i would have missed out.
Against all odds, I had you.
Against all 'logical calls' I had you.
Against 'common sense' I had you.
and Now, I can't stop celebrating what the world called a stupid decision.
I love you Azzaria Lexi Luiga.
I hear you call yourself Jaja Luiga.
Well, Mummy comes home tired sometimes.
And am apologising for the night before last.
I missed out on quality time.
I got home, tired, hungry and stressed at the fact that I'd lost one of my phones.
My love am sorry, i put the phone before you.
I brushed you off, you wanted to sit next to me and i kept asking you to go watch TV.
You are not one to keep quiet but you resiliently silently sat by me while i called everyone to alert them.
When you slept tht night, and i lay awake thinking and planning for the next day, I felt like a failure.
All you wanted was some of my time.
I vowed to make it up to you the next night.
only to find you already asleep.
my heart crushed.
My love, i may not be good at keeping promises but I'll do my best to listen to you
Laugh with you. fight the biyenje with you.
Answer all your questions.
Even buy you more grapes and will be patient until you stop calling them balls and graduate to Grapes.
I love you Little Plexi Lexi.
My princess, my love. My Daughter.
With love,
Ma
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