The Power Of Assumption

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

The assumption battle is one I have fought most of my life. I've questioned friends' motives, assuming they were against me. To avoid being hurt, I've detached from relationships with no valid reasons.

Perhaps you've fought the same battle?

Your friend didn't respond your text with the hype that she usually; she must be upset with you, so you stopped texting or calling her. Another friend is invited to several parties you aren't; obviously the two of you are drifting apart, so you don't reach out any more. Your sister hasn't responded to your text and phone messages; she must have found another friend in whom to confide, so you stop calling her. Your Lover has not responded to a whatsapp message yet their 'last seen' is more recent than the last message you sent him/her- S/He must be getting chatty and therefore cozy with another person, so you break up with them.

It's easy to assume others are upset, have "more important" friends, or are too busy for us when their behavior changes. Anger and hurt can well up in our hearts and we may pull away from friendships in order to protect ourselves. There is a danger in assumptions: they can destroy relationships.

Before we know it, even without proof, what we assume becomes our truth. Our misguided feelings lead to misguided thoughts, which cause misguided responses. The result: ruined relationships.

Living under the havoc of assumptions isn't the way God intended it though. 

Second Timothy 1:7 tells us, "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (NKJV). 

Looking at the last part of this verse, we see God gives us the ability to think, reason, and understand.

Through Christ, we have a mind that is well balanced and considers things in context. Our sound mind is stronger than our feelings, but we have to give our thoughts time to catch up with our emotions. A good way to do this is to pause and think clearly about the conclusions we've made.

PAUSE AND THINK CLEARLY ABOUT THE CONCLUSIONS WE'VE MADE

When an assumption rears its ugly head, simply take a moment to ask if this assumption is consistent with your friend's normal behavior.

If it isn't, this would be a good time to ask a few more questions: 

Is my friend okay?

 Have I done anything to hurt her? 

How can I pray for her? 

Do I believe the best before assuming the worst?

Can I help them through it? 

Do they need me? How do they need me?

Repeat the pause until the assumption passes. The result: positive relationships.

Ruined relationships can be prevented and assumptions can be put to rest when we stop and focus on our thoughts. God has blessed us with a sound mind to surrender to the truth and not allow our imaginations to run wild.

Before the power of assumptions ruins a relationship in your life, pause. Settle your emotions and consider what you know to be true about your friend. 

Take a moment to pray for her and plan how to reach out to her. She might just be struggling with her own assumptions that you could help her clear up!

Dear Lord, thank You for empowering me to overpower assumptions. I commit to believe the best before assuming the worst, and to not allow my emotions to jump to conclusions. In Jesus' Name, Amen.

Happy Holidays Everybody 

Imagine that!

For Real? 

I went to bed last night and woke up this morning with all plans of having a productively productive day. I mean I worked through the first ten pages of my proposed funding proposal (in my bed and in my head of course)... IKR. (very productive me)
Now this morning i unfortunately bumped into my neighbor. (giggles)
She had this for me. Mbu...there was a football match last night and her twitter timeline was ....(failed to rephrase her statement. The raw statement is too rough for my fragile eyes)
Mbu.. the Red Boys were so on form her red people wished they would replay last night's match all the way to kingdom come. Aha! These things.
Then also mbu the other gal/woman came crying to her atti The Other Guy had broken her heart! And am like, for real! For real real?
She: But also you, what did she expect from that one? Hmmm! Can you imagine he does that for  living, I mean break hearts. It's second nature to him. I heard also that he has like oba how many other girls pinning for him.

Me: Yiyi? But how do you know that?

She: eh eh! Don't you know, even me he tried ko and I was like not me. H.h.h.h.h.e.e.e.e.l.l.l NO. Me, like a whole me? with that guy! Sha! Hell would freeze over first

Me: (giggles)- See my friend has been listening to Kelly's Down on Love for what seems like forever. But then again.. hihihihihihihihi.. aha!

So, we parted ways both of doing a Harlem Shake. Kwegamba, Fucktard just!!!

Kati, on my way to office, I bump into the lady who used to do our laundry way back. And she's like, "Eh Mama Baby, where have you been?" Can you imagine I've been looking for you for a long time now. I have a big story for you. Did you hear? That Dr. Kizza Besigye's eyes do not both close?
You girl!!!

Praying for the Soul of the Late SK Njuba

For her, she saw the guy with her own two eyes when his one eye had refused to close!!

That also there is this crop of people who be wanting to have side dishes without taking responsibilities for their actions.

Now, I had to really run from this one. I was not about to listen to the same story from a different person. Was she talking about the same guy? I don't know. At that point, I was having trouble remembering the opening line of my 10 page funding proposal. For Christ's sakes, I had 10 pages all edited and ready for print-in my head at about 0100 hrs this morning.

However, those two meetings marked the end of my productivity... So, we'll be listening to The Weeknd . This guy makes blood flow to my hair!! Damn! I should have a puff ya Laugh out Loud by the end of today.

Till we meet again... I have a sensible proposal to write. We need to shine some sun on Mauryn's because it  Rained on her.

Mo Itchy Lips

And then it rained

 Walking along Kampala road last night blew my heart to smithereens. What started out as a simple walk to the Taxi park with a friend who by the way I bullied into walking with me, turned into a personal trip to a place I have not been to in a while.

I've been riding on a high lately... high on adrenaline. Last night, my bubble went KABOOM! just like that. These are images of children, children who at 8p.m should be in bed, all warm and fed. Does not really matter if they are well fed or not. As long as they are not hungry! It is a human right.

Where are we going?

I know giving these children money keeps them on the streets, but then again its not their fault. Whichever devil put them there really cocked his gun well. And he has aim. This son of a B****h has aim. I usually buy them food stuff, if i passed by them during the day. But it was way after 8 p.m and these lovely babies were out in the cold. Scantily dressed, and it started drizzling!

I was shocked when I saw a 'team leader' actually cane one of the lovelies. I wondered why? I was at a distance from this horrifying spectacle and my Friend was getting impatient but it was one of the saddest scenes I have seen recently. It was sad.

I can't stop thinking of ways I could help these children. I love them with all I could and can give. I wish I could give them and they actually benefit from my giving. I pray Dear Lord for these children.

I won't ask why. Dwelling on the why is not a solution.

My own little ones were in the meantime warmly ensconced in my bed (they get treated when am not home on time to tuck them into their little beds)
It broke my heart some more. Then it rained.

THEN IT RAINED. My eyes can't seem to dry up. I don't know any more if am crying because of the Babies I could not take home with me last night, or if it is the fact that I rejected a nice young handsome man  because I was angry at his recent disappearance or if it has indeed been a long 31 years!

I'm not sure anymore. But it sure feels like it has been a long long life. Irony of it is I prayed to God this morning to allow me watch my one year old say his I DO to the love of his life.

Dear God, I thank you for the humbling experiences you place in my path, whenever I seem to waver from your way. 

I have a lot to be grateful for. I know I do. A hot meal at the end of the day and little hugs and smiles that just keep me going.

And my prayer right now, is I stop focusing on 'I' and instead focus on 'THEM'.

Them will be defined by you. However, someone lend me an umbrella or better still send me some sun.. because it is still raining at mine.

Listening to Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart and Miley Cyrus's Wrecking Ball on repeat. I know, am phasing, going through a session of beating myself up over a misinformed choice. Maybe not entirely misinformed but overzealous move. I went in well aware of the consequences and now am paying. Thought I was strong enough to live and leave unscathed.. but am leaving with lots of pain and aches in places untouchable.

"Don't you ever say, I just walked away, I will always want you"

Yes, It is raining.

Of Double losses and Sero Status

For years,  I had kept my love for a one Arsenal FC in the closet.. Gave myself all titles but Arsenal Supporter.... until the day they suffered a defeat!!! Dayumm!!! The guys were thrashed!!! (words of my boda guy)
Huh!, I had to come out and tell him munange, I support Arsenal... Which earned me a free ride. He was so sympathetic he refused my money- (facepalm)

Naye banange, 6 goals!! felt like losing two matches in one. And then I hear mbu they next week they are meeting Chelsea.. Ours are not good. I mean ours of Arsenal are not looking very pretty.

So, Munange, the other day I was heading home nga I bump into

This UHMG Mobile HIV Counselling and Testing Van 

So I walked in. Not because I really wanted to know what my sero status was, (I mean there is no divine infection) but just because I wanted to really see the inside of this van. And Basically be a statistic.
But as I was leaving (after being handed my slip) a pretty young boy with whom I'd had my blood drawn was pulled back. The Counselors asked him to step aside and didn't hand him his slip. ;(

That got my mind racing. He looked way to young to be HIV positive.. From first glance he'd not hit 25 years. I know, they coulda called him back because his results was not valid- you know those test kits know how to do bloopers also. But, me and my lugambo, I could not stop thinking that the poor soul was HIV Positive. Banange, that would be a shame. Being handed a death sentence like that before you even get ko a baby! Eh! Kitalo.

Naye nga eby'olungambo biwedewo, let's make it a habit to get tested. Especially if you are on a sexual network. Well, you might not know that you are on a sexual network, but as long as you have had intimate relations that involved parts of your bodies getting entwined- please go test. Test for everything-
Its pretty human and these days its considered normal for one to have more than one Sexual partner.
Well, personally, you might be doing it with just that one person but they are doing it with 3 or maybe 4 "carefully chosen" other partners.
Stay Safe! Africa needs another great Icon.

ION, mbu there is this little child that thinks they are great because they can spew forth vulgarities faster than they can spell their name. It was an unfortunate case that they chose to make me the object of their idling.. Well, for one, I do not engage in fights of any sort. (That was so 2012)!!! And then this small minded human (excuses of a human) deem it profitable to sit wherever and brag about how they 'assured' and abused a certain character.

Little Child of this universe, your insults will not hike the price of sugar, neither will it change the number of breaths per minute per person.. Wait, Did you actually think you were changing time? O.M! Gosh!! Stupid little child. (I use the word STUPID with measure)

Alright, so its a Monday Morning, and I worry about Arsenal FC. I worry that this was false labor... there is a two point difference btn AFC and the next guy on the table has an easy next fixture... For Chrissakes Liverpool is winning their next match- and the next team we meet is a definite no win.

Cheers...

Listening to Wrecking Ball .

It will be on repeat for a while- of that am sure-

PS: What is the plural of "Status"? (Comment with your answer/suggestion)

I heard, That you heard that They said

Like for Real?

So, its been a few weeks of weird revelations in my life. New friends made (ok, acquaintances) Some people lost (some died and some passed away from the list of acquaintances) and hey, who knew!! I went to Club!! Oh yes I did.

Away from that, I got baptized- Oh yes I did. I so did.
Its the ninth day of December, and the year is 2013- everyone is excited about the impending holidays- oh how we love Christmas. Holiday makers all over town, new rides on the roads- which come with new road accidents!! #sigh
And on and on. But wait, did you hear that Arsenal FC is leading the Premier league table? Like for real? Many years of losses, I had given up on supporting any football team- local or international. And now, Arsenal is leading the league!! OM Gosh!
And Manchester United is somewhere in some position that is so obscure its painful. And am like OMG! how can they do that? 13 points shy of table leaders? eh!

In other News, Uganda Cranes lost out at CECAFA. 13 time champions? Got me wondering if Baba Lauryn and  Micho whose Career according to Wikipedia ended in 1994 are kind of related.

Eh, did you hear? There has been this interesting Music show.. Tusker Project Thingie that got everyone in my house hold carried away. My own daughter told me i couldn't sing! when i attempted to sing along to the sound track.. But then again, Every body knows my name.... ooh na am soopersta. So, yeah, it too ended. A handsome guy who reminds of Henry Thierry and Usher Raymond Combined won the competition. And our very own Ugandan Church Girl Daisy was placed at position 3. Ok, not bad. She should go back to church.

So, here is the thing. I was told I can not keep quiet. Mbu I talk a lot. So I intend to do my talking here at least twice a week. If you find the patience to read through to this line, kindly respond to the poll somewhere on this page and tell me, if i should on doing my itchy lips here oba mbileke.

Until I find something else to rumble about, see you Friday. Yes Friday the 13, 2013. Hihihihihih.

SOS- Its a Block. I am Blocked

 My internal red light has been blinking at me for a while and I found excuses for it. Right now, its on- permanently. And it hit me, that I need to seek help.
I am blocked. Aaah, I even read about this whole Writer's block phenomenon.

Writer's block is a condition, primarily associated with writing as a profession, in which an author loses the ability to produce new work. The condition varies widely in intensity. It can be trivial, a temporary difficulty in dealing with the task at hand.

Source: Wikipedia

I have created many drafts since November 25 2013 but never got round to publishing any of them. I promised a friend an article that would have ended up in one of the dailies... The Weekend edition of a leading local Daily. And I meant well. I identified my topic, and did some research, but never got round to even starting that piece.. Oh My Freaking Goodness!

Now, here and now, right now, this very minute(#eyeroll- We get it), right this very moment, I will overcome this blockage.
Gotta overcome it. Been giving myself all sorts of excuses- Oh, am too busy; or, My bundle will get finished and I could miss an "important" Whats-app message, and on and on.

Well,  I went through a phase back there. I lost someone very close to me, and I didn't have the chance to mourn them or say goodbye to them properly. I felt like a failure. and oh yeah, I lost two friendships- hmm!

Before that, I was too busy making friends with a certain someone who was intent on conquering Mauryn-
didn't know I was that important a force.

Am not promising because promises are broken every minute. But I will try my very best to write that piece for my Newspaper friend. And Aino, yes, I will earn that 20shs a word. I will earn it, need an extra check this holiday.

Let me tap Publish before another draft gets saved. Typos and all. The next piece will be better.

Phew!! Next amma read through the "how to work through and over come this Writer's Block thing" I need to find me again. I need to live again, Fall in love with print again.

I need to. I have to.
Catch you later.

Mauryn

Failure

Failure. A word that describes a certain event that’s been haunting us from before we even invented words. But besides fearing failure, we’re also terrified of our inability to overcome it. We are terrified that we might not rise after a fall, we’re terrified that the world won’t be the same. 

Guess what? The sun will rise again the following day, and given enough time, we’ll be okay.

Early on, we build ourselves a certain reality. Our reality; a certain micro-universe – the soul’s version of a personal space. And, even though most times we don’t realize it, we are the ones who give other people or certain events any power over us. We allow someone to make us feel in a certain way, or for their words to hurt us. We alone are responsible for allowing the prospect of failure to terrify us so damn much.

I’ve felt this time and time again. I’ve felt that I was headed for a dead end… at top speed. I’ve felt that the road might never end, that I might never reach my destination. I was afraid that I might fall, that I wouldn’t be good enough. Right now, I’m afraid that I lost a few friends and I will not be able to give my children a great Christmas holiday.

And, quite frankly, I don’t know what to do, what to write, whom to ask for help. I don’t even know if there’s something I can do. All I know is that I feel vulnerable, and I also know that it’s my fault for feeling so. I feel alone, and all I want is for someone to hold my hand and walk me to the place I want to reach.

We never, ever want to feel like that. It’s probably the worse feeling in the world.

The moment we admit that there are certain external factors that can break us, factors which we can’t control, that’s when we lose a big chunk of who we are.

Right now, the outcome of this friendship is beyond my control. Right now, I don’t know what else to say. Right now, I feel that I’ve lost too many battles. I have done my friend too many wrongs, i can't apologize anymore, and I can't face another 'spanking'.

But I also know that things will be okay. They always are. Always will be. Even though I can’t really see it right now, even though it’s not nearly enough to make me feel optimistic about the future. But it does allow me to imagine a future, it does allow me to see beyond what is going to happen in the following weeks.

I don’t know what else to say. If you want to help me out, you can. Don't tell me what to do or how to do it, be there. Stand by and hold my hand. Stand at the shore lines while I struggle with the storm. Save the pep talk, it will not work- not this time. 

Because I will get through it. I will write through it, because writing is the only thing that I’ve had and never lost. Good days, bad days, it never mattered as long as I was able to write.

So Isohunt is going down!!! And Facebook is not updating my status!!!! wattaday!!!!!

Initiating Self Destruct

This is it. We are shutting down isoHunt services a little early. I'm told there was this Internet archival team that wants to make historical copy of our .torrent files, I'm honoured that people thinks our site is worthy of historical preservation, but the truth is about 95% of those .torrent files can be found off Google regardless and mostly have been indexed from other BitTorrent sites in the first place. So I might as well do a proper send-off to you dear isoHunt users, before final shutdown sequence on Tuesday. It's been an adventure in the last 10.5 years working on isoHunt, a privilege working with some of the smartest guys I've worked with, and my life won't be the same without it. For what I'm working on next, please look up my blog on Google and follow me there. Because as the Terminator would say with a German accent,

I'll be backkk.

-Gary Fung

Now i have to buy the movies and wait until the whole 24 comes out!!! OMG!!! Eddie Soft too might be running out of business.... ayaaaaa.... why now?

F U Hollywood.

When the Sun goes down on you........ It still shines on another

This week, and the one that came before it have been quite emotional. Emotional highs and lows.
I know, I am an overly emotional being... but these last seven days have been... well, not something I will forget any time soon.
I will take you way back to The Friday of last week.... got into a few altercations with people I hold dear and close to my heart. Reasons.... they were many. Ranging from heart problems to trust issues.
That week, I learnt a lot about human kind and how far they would go to appear the saints.
How far they would go to get what they want. I must say... my admiration for many of these people greatly waned.
Then came the highlight or rather lowest part of this time. Death struck! It struck!!! A young man barely thirty along with others perished in an accident... A terrible road accident. He left behind a little girl and her Mother along with many friends and family.
Then A young woman who was set to make 31 years of age passed on as she was bringing another life into this world. Monique left behind 3 boys. One of them a father to the other two and her husband. Dennis.... Not sure i know what to say. Nothing anyone says can ease the ache.
Death.
Its been described by some as a fullstop in the middle of a sentence. Totally makes no sense sometimes. I mean.... As a child one has plans, dreams and hopes. Then bang!!! Yo dead. Just like that. The plans for your next birthday party are there... Never to be implemented.
But just because your sun has gone down on you, it does not mean it has stopped shining elsewhere. Your passing will be acknowledged by a church service and they will mourn your passing.
But their lives wont stop just because yours did. The traffic jam along Kampala road will be just as terrible on a Friday afternoon.
You will be honored by a moment of silence. Yes. And many will reflect on their own lives but that is that.
The smiles, the passionate love making sessions, the gifts, acts of kindness, tantrums... And all that which defined you will be reduced to a moment of silence. Half a minute.
And then you will be gone. I'm a mother. Am sure my children will live on but how long will they be referred to as 'Mauryn's children'... Not long after am gone.
So, this week. As it comes to an end. Am faced with a huge decision to make. A life threatening decision. And its made though am trying to convince myself that i haven't. I just pray I live through it.
And then riding on that tide. I'm owning my life once again. I have given so much to people that i hardly remember much of me. I've been at the beck and call of some and it just hit me that they came to rely on it so much so that they took my availability for granted.
Then friends who have a problem staying straight with me then they go behind my back and say lots of negative things about me and then come round to my face and pretend. Those too.... Am throwing out. I'd rather be alone from now on than continue smiling with liars and people who take my smile for granted.
See, I didnt know how to be a girl until much recently. And there are some girl attributes that i will.never be okay with. Its not that I do not remember the wrongs am done, its just that i choose not to dwell on them. So i trust. I go around with a naivety halo. Many are fooled into thinking am a fool.
From today, for every 15 minutes i give to the world, am taking 20 for my self.
For when my sun is setting, i want to be able to appreciate the landscape and the beautiful kaleidoscope that comes with African sunsets.
When i lie on my deathbed... I dont want to regret. So i will not give anyone who causes me pain anymore of my time.
I reclaim my daylight. I reclaim my heart and today.... I give it to all to Jesus Christ.
Thank you Jesus for saving me.
For the fallen comrades.... I pray we meet in a better place.
Village Girl

September 19, 2012 all the way to September 18, 2013....I love you Sonny- Happy new year's Eve Micaiah

Micah in there, 8 months old pregnancy

Micah at 3 weeks

Micah at 3 months- That Smile

5 month confusion

The only boy in a group of 3 women!!! He does look like a girl!! Awwww... Love u Son

6 Months- Yes, he can hold his own Bottle

We got teeth, by 7 months we had 8 of them

Not yet one year but yes Mummy, I can walk. Yes.... This here was the best present I received this year. My Son can walk

Celebrating Mummy's birthday.. so they all decided to cut my cake

Milly and her charges. I love this group as it is. My world is complete... My cup flows over.

An Open Letter to you

Dear Cyber Love,

I hope you are well.
I am eternally sorry I crossed a line.
What line? you'll ask. the line where i get to think of you as a part of my everyday life.

The Line where I take if for granted that when I call, you will answer,
or you'll call me back. The line where I said those damning words and I meant them.
That line that made me throw caution to the winds.
That line.

I enjoyed and maybe took it to an unexpected level.
I loved it when you called me Precious, Delicious.
Still makes me go all soft on the inside just thinking it.
Oh better still, I went Gaga at being 'Daddy's Little girl"

I miss you. I miss our little short-lived cyber romance.
Romancing the imagination that was you kept me running.
Gave me so much to look forward to.

Got me some me-time because i had FOMO on our cyber dates.

Well, time is up. Its been over four days of silence. Just that Silence.
I didnt know it would affect me so, but it has.
Feels like a whole new break up.

Used to look down on people who did Cyber relationships, until today.
Am going through the whole break up thing.
Anger, denial etc

Well, i've called, Texted, emailed and met with SILENCE.
Ouch!

Anyways, Dear Cyber lover,
short lived as it was, twas the best romance story i've participated in.
Having me as lead character.
Got me dreaming, hoping it wouldn't end.

The light's been snubbed. Gotta jump into bed now.

My prayer is this, tomorrow, i don't get tempted to IM you.
I pray I can control this heart beat when a notification comes up telling me you are online.

Adios My Love. 

Coming back home. Back to the village

Its been oft said ... "east west, home is best"
I left home some time back for a better life. Or what i thought would be a better life. The lure of the bright night lights, fast moving cars, 'smartly' dressed girls and boys was too strong to resist.
And I fell victim to my youthful desires.

The food's all fried. Believe me, even a cup of tea is somehow fried.
So, I lived in the city for but a while but it seems and feels like I was there for eternity.

I will take you through some of the highs and lows of that place as our time together passes.

However, am back home. I missed home. I missed these village paths- well beaten village paths.
I missed the trip to the well.  I missed the love around here, Imagine this; The neighbor's dog remembered me. She was all over me the moment I got close to their compound. Tail wagging and I could feel the love. She missed me, and I missed her.

When all is said and done. I am glad to be back home. My permanent stay here may not be guaranteed, somehow, Town Life grows on you. I might have to go back to that loud noisy filthy fried place.

However, not a minute goes by without me reminiscing the trips up those fruit (wild and all) trees. I mean the sheer joy of biting into a mango while you are still up there in the branches is unequaled. In the town area, you have to wash the damn thing before you eat it.

Can you imagine we buy jambula.. and its a rare commodity in that city.

I am looking forward to 'hanging out' with my Villagers.

For the time am spending here, I plan on re-living every memory I have of my birthplace- yes, right down to skinny dipping at that well.. (hope it exists).

I have a noticed a few changes however, there is more people, more housing structures.
I hope my play grounds are still n-touched. I turned another year just the other day and growing up is quite scary,
So, even if it will be just this once, I'd like to relive my childhood. Just one more time.

Am happy to be home.
I love you home

and Am proud to be called


Village Girl.

Why I love

Its been a heavy very heavy day 2.
I wrote this Piece
some time back.
Today, my second day of moving away from a particular unhealthy addiction saw me going through heartache so heavy i almost died.
i tell am kinda counting the days. stuff has been happening. lots of stuff...on all fronts.
And stuff happened. we kissed and made up.
But then I keep asking myself Why I love so hard, people find it easy to hurt- or maybe Why I hurt so easily yet I love so hard.
AM I trying so hard?
Oh well....am posting this post because i cant seem to finish writing it

TOMORROW

Sitting here listening to Jill Scott croon away her A long walk as the month fades out. The sun has more or less gone to bed. I should be in my bed too but these things of being an adult usually keep me up late.
whatcha y'all thinkin? huh?

Alright, am visiting a friend, yeah a friend who by the way wants me to get off his computer or he walks out on me!! can you imagine such meanness!!! really? This guy can be mean.

After all the smiles i sent his way the whole evening? Can you imagine that? Really?

Well, its today morning. The day after last night.

" I have sought love, first, because it brings ecstasy - ecstasy so great that I would often have sacrificed all the rest of life for a few hours of this joy. I have sought it, next, because it relieves loneliness--that terrible loneliness in which one shivering consciousness looks over the rim of the world into the cold unfathomable lifeless abyss. I have sought it finally, because in the union of love I have seen, in a mystic miniature, the prefiguring vision of the heaven that saints and poets have imagined. This is what I sought, and though it might seem too good for human life, this is what--at last--I have found."
An excerpt from Bertrand Russell's Three passions of life

That my friends is the reason I love with abandon. Momentary as it usually is, the feeling i get from giving myself totally to another being is way out of this world.

This here is one post that actually has no particular story to tell, I mean, i started writing it last evening and its 17:40 on the day after... put a paragraph up at 7:15 today. So, this is one of those posts that just happens because it has to happen.

But then again, that does not mean that life aint happening. It happens in abundance.

From a whole week of a house full of un-well folks to another week of running on empty- literally.
Somehow this too shall pass.

From Christabelle's needs being unmet to the father of my children holding out on child support and blaming it on my apparent silence towards him- This too shall pass.

July has but one day left on the calendar. Not sure what August brings with her. Hell, not sure what the next minute brings along but still i hope for a brighter smile, a tighter hug and a passionate kiss.

Still I hope... at the end of the day, hope is all am left with. I can not control what comes my way, I can plan, save and plan until the cows' great granddaughters come home for breakfast but I will never be able to control what the next minute will bring with it.

I love a man. I am in love with a man. Yet still in the midst of my unfounded infatuation i somehow still manage to judge him on basis of my previous state of heart (shattered heart that I had yesterday).

So, I will hope that tomorrow, will bring me a brighter smile.
Tomorrow will hopefully be a better day.
Tomorrow will see me eventually meet my targets all round.

Cheers to a better love filled successful TOMORROW.

TOMORROW

Mauryn

...with a broken heart...that's still beating

Day one passed. i craved and assuaged my craving. yes am broken...giving in to my craving is step one to my healing....

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep
tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my
time
I am here still waiting though i still have my
doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already
figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside
my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book
instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still
looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin'
on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still
holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here
alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten
my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin'
on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still
holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on
(I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still
holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

Someone else's eyes

Day zero-not fair
This is my life and it's my right to live
The way I want to live each day
That's what I wanna say
And this is my song
And for too long I sang someone else's melody
It wasn't really me
Somehow I took myself for granted
In someone else's eyes
I saw reflections of a girl I was who caught me
by surprise
Seein' a woman who's defined by you, I never
realized
I can't love you, I can't love me through
someone else's eyes
You were the sun, I was the one who just
Revolved around you day and night
You were my only life but if I were free
Baby, I'd take control of everything inside of me
Find who I wanna be
I'd never take myself for granted
In someone else's eyes
I saw reflections of a girl I was who caught me
by surprise
Seein' a woman who's defined by you, I never
realized
I can't love you, I can't love me in someone
else's eyes
I gotta show myself I can still exist without a
man.
Gotta finally take control, gotta see myself as
whole with you
Though you're not the one to blame, I was lost
inside your name
And I'll never be the same till I find a way back
home again
In someone else's eyes
I saw reflections of a girl I was who caught me
by surprise
Seein' a woman who's defined by you, I never
realized
When I, I can't, I and I will not, you can't make
me
Ooh, someone else's eyes, ooh, baby, baby, baby
Till I find a way back home again
Through someone else's eyes
I saw reflections of a girl I was, hey, caught me
by surprise
Seein' a woman who's defined by you, I never
realized
I can't love you, I can't love you through
someone else's eyes, ooh
Someone else's eyes, no baby, ooh
Someone else's eyes, can't do it, I can't do it
I, I love you, sweet baby, I wanna be with you,
baby
Through someones else's eyes, ooh
Someone else's eyes, oh, baby
Oh yeah, someone else's eyes
I wanna be by your side
God haven't you heard this lady's cry?

Goodbye to the old me- Imperfect progress

July 1, 2013.
That's right.... New month is here. Not just new month but a whole half year is gone by.
Full of drama, heartaches and all one would think the clocks would stop and give one a chance to correct mistakes but nope.... Time waits for no one.
Tick went the clock.
This month i turn a year older.. Second time am mentioning it in three days. It must be bigger than am willing to admit.
My birrhday is supposed to be the day i start over....laughable
However, i will make an effort to read my bible and grow everyday. I know i'll miss a few days but hey am human (weak).
Imperfect progress is my July theme.
Everyday for the next 30 days, i will do somerhing different.
Random different things... I wont list them. I don't know them... I want to surprise me.
Anyone waiting for me to please them might have a long time in the queue.. Infact they shd ger themselves some readinf material. I recommend This or This one or Here and My All Time Favorite.

So, with lovely skies, new days and new beginnings.

Morning Drive to work

sun making her way to the world

I know this new year, I will do my best to make wiser decisions. Not just about me but about everyone who looks up to me.
Get out of the web of those who want to change me to their need but are not willing to take me as i am.

Yes, I do a lot of pleasing everyone around me. Bend backwards for them. Meanwhile they never make a move towards me. I always have to move towards them. Always giving.

all unhealthy relationships ended with the Close of June.

Oh, well, let's get to work. I've written this post for two days... (hihihihihih)

Cheers.

Of new beginnings and resolutions

Started writing this post at the end of last month. Had written one sentence which wad typo infested i just had to start all over again.
So, we will keep the title. And yeah, been thinking of starting all over again. But this procrastination just wont break up with me.
Spent a week, lots of wrong acts to start this paragraph. Wait, i should prolly date them paragraphs.
So, here i am. Sitting at a friend's desk. Listening to Justin Timberlake's Mirrors. And am asking myself why i find it hard to let go. Why am always on the defensive?

Two days later- Again. This time round, we gonna do this.
So, Location is my work desk. It's a Friday, should be heading home but am sitting here. And i feel this energy.
This writing energy.

Alot has been happening, the whole world is thinking about Nelson Mandela. He's ill. And we don't want to let him go.
See, Change is not an easy thing to do. Finishing this post has not been an easy task. Making and sticking to resolutions is just not that easy a thing to just tick off my to do list.

But, oh, well. It has to be done. He will eventually pass on. We will mourn his passing. His family will live on.
So, July is but 3 days away. I will be turning a year older come the Third week of July. And its about time
I finished this post.

Its about time, I wrote out my resolutions, I gotta.

I am a mother of Many. And sometimes i look at myself in the mirror, remember the things i did and am not proud to call myself Mummy.

So, here is what we are gonna do or try to do different.
1...

Hell, we are just going to live each day as it comes.
I have not lived tomorrow and i dont know what tomorrow will bring.
So, I will do what i see best given tomorrow's circumstances.

So, here is to new beginnings and resolutions...

Cheers.

Randomly walking the night away

Perfection has become You.

Time check- 19:30 A.M. Walking along that road that we've walked so many times we practically know where the stones and ditches are without looking.

Can dodge cars with our eyes closed. Best bit, we aint saying nothing. It's a comfortable silence.
Hell, not comfortable, its a soothing silence. The vibe between both of us is just enough to keep us warm.

I am warm. I am warm because i have your jacket on. Who does that anymore? Thought that generation of men was extinct. You know what, you are an endangered species.

We talked, though i can hardly  remember anything we talked about.
Being around you makes everything else fade into oblivion.

I know you are seeing someone else. You and I will never be in love.
I am in love with someone else, you know that.
But this thing with you, is perfect. No fights, no silly arguments
The Chemistry is perfect. and you are perfect.

My one and only you.

So, as the sun sets on our perfect romance, I hold no pains or regrets in my heart where you are concerned.

You are perfect. My memories of you will always be perfect.

Au revoir mon amour parfait

Back to normal Programming

Alright,
so, its been a crazy heart wrenching week.
Was visiting with my pretty little sad confused friend, Pretty Smile, Remember her?
Hope not. Her life is one big tough ugly blob of drama.

But, things are looking up. Not for her though. I wont delve into that, because i could write for years about her plight and the cows could go visiting foreign lands and come back when am still writing about her.

Though, I'll wrap it up, she's let both men out of her life. the father of her babies -yeah. and SNL too.
its obvious she cares more about the baby papa but he does not care what she goes through as long as he gets his ego massaged.

alright, so, today, the Sun is shining. In my country- this lovely lovely rightly named Pearl of Africa, things are happening.

There is a new STD in town called Big Brother Africa:The Chase and there is a Ugandan Brother you can save by voting him to stay : Here

Am not a Big Brother Fan myself, Hell, i dont even own a tv set in my house. All I hear and know about BBA is randomly picked up from public transport areas.

alright, for now, lemme think about what I can write about.

Confused Friend continues her plight-the next episode

Sat down again with my friend: my apologies, it hurt so bad i couldn't write it yet.
But here goes: The drama continues- the confusion intensifies... someone, please anyone set a match to this maze... am worried about her. she might drown-

So, We get to give names as the story continues.
Meet the players in this our real life drama- heartbreak galore.
1. Confused friend- Pretty smile
2. Baby Papa- Baby Papa
3. New man- SNL

Pretty Smile met SNL years ago. Their's was an online meet. A random chat room and numbers and personal emails were exchanged. The conversations were carried offline- but never face to face.

It wasn't until two years after the initial cyber meet that they actually met in the physical.
Needless to say, they'd flirted online and the meet up was a culmination of their previous late night phone chats.
They shared one but the most electrically charged kiss at a random location in the city. It was at the clock of midnight. They crossed over from one year to the other locked in each other's arms.
It was just a kiss. a kiss neither forgot. They parted ways, lost contact- mean things were said, SNL avoided Pretty Smile, and Pretty Smile found Baby Papa.

Years later SNL shows up, and finds Pretty Smile with a coupla babies and separated from Baby Papa. Chemistry between SNL and Pretty Smile is tight, just right though out of the blue, Pretty Smile discovers she's expecting again -Baby Papa's. And baby papa does all in his might to separate PS and SNL. Succeeds, anyway, she is pregnant and cant stay with a man who's not the dad of her baby.

Shortly after leaving SNL, BP leave PS.
So, PS, is single again and pregnant for Baby Papa. Yeah, life sucks.
Meanwhile, BP, starts a new relationship with a work mate.

onwards and forwards, through lonely maternity ward visits, walking to and from hospitals and eventually delivering a beautiful bouncing baby boy, Pretty smile comes out happy.
Finally finds her footing. And somehow,  a code is re-struck between SNL and Pretty Smile.
SNL is having a lady in his life too, so Pretty Smile is kinda hanging in air. But the Chemistry is more than right, it can only be compared to those things in telenovelas.

They walk village paths, make their own memories, and he tells her he loves her.
SNL actually confesses to loving Pretty Smile.
She's ecstatic to say the least.

And then Baby Papa re-appears. With his heart wrenching tirades,
he even managed to spend money on Pretty Smile, went all out on the dates
and all that.

Pretty Smile talks to her 'buddies' who tell her he's out for a lay.

Now, Pretty Smile is inclined to walk out on SNL and Baby Papa too.
She knows the danger of cutting off Baby Papa from her life for good.
There is three children who would be left fatherless.

But this here is her argument- you are welcome to judge her, advise just plain hate on her.

Baby Papa, sought her out because she was happy, and it hurt him that she was happy or maybe he wanted a share of that happiness well knowing what damage he could cause to her already fragile nature.

He wanted SNL outta her life- No brainer there.

He was desperate to get laid, and thought- oh well, she could lay me for free and if she says anything,, i'll accuse her of being crazy, after all the whole world knows i left her and i could never go back to her.-paranoid thinking

Who doesn't want a simple life?- we all do.

I asked my Little friend what her plans were:
Right now, she's hurting all over again. Damn this heart. She's unsure of what to do and how to go about it.
She reckons, cutting off all contact from both men, would be a good start. I pray she does not go pyscho on all of us now.

Going back to raising the babies. There is a few projects that need to picked up.
Quite ambitious list of things too, I can say.
I just wish her well in all her aspirations.

I hope and pray that his Pretty Smily young woman finds her silver lining at the end of this dark phase of her life.
Listening to Kelly Rowland's Dirty Laundry just reminds me of the sad look in my friends eyes. I pray her smile reaches her eyes once again.

When you’re soaked in tears for years, it never airs out

When you make pain look this good it never wears out

This dirty laundry, this dirty laundry

The Plight of my Confused friend.

"He's supposed to have moved on. Hell, he did move on. He has a 6 day old baby girl.He walked out and said he was done.Welcomed me to pray if i wanted to but he was never coming back to me."

He'd found his happily ever after and in his words "I plan on enjoying every second of it'.

Then someone help me understand, why he's leaving her voice messages.
Why he is asking her out to dates-
They've been to a coffee date, a car park date(we all know how cosy and romantic 3 hour car park dates can be)
They are slated to go for a movie date sometime this week.

He's telling her how he'll never find another like her.
The 3 hour car park date had him talk about the first time he knew he was in love with her.

He described her attire that day-not very striking (same attire the author is doning today-well different colors)
She was seeing another guy back there but he was in love with her and we all know how far a man in love will go.
He told her he wanted her to be the mother of his children.
Years later, they have three children. Three lovely children.
But then he has another baby with another woman-

He confessed to openly comparing his current woman to her.
Told her, the only fight he'd had with his current lady was her telling him she'd never be his first wife.

He told her, he sees her in his dreams while lying next to the new woman.
He feels she does not deserve what she's going through.
He was in the labor ward with the new lady and all he could think about was the three times he abandoned her when she was having their three children.

Sad, right. Very sad.
But then, its not that this woman-Mother of 3 is a drop dead beauty.
she's not that intelligent or well educated. She does not come from an educated rich background.

She's just there. But then she prayed.
And this here is a manifestation of her prayers being answered.
Everyday that he hurt her, she prayed for God to touch his heart with love.
She prayed for God's grace to see her through the next evening with a smile.

His family told her to let the guy go, because he was fed up of her, but on she clung.
Let's say, he is the father of her children. That's a forever bond.
Her family told her to forget about him and move on.
Her friends told her to concentrate on making money for her children.

She listened to them all.
Went to work, and she covers 100% of the children's welfare.
But still she prayed for this man to love her.

And, she's in love with another man. -yes she finally let him go.
She's in love with another man. A man who confessed to loving her back.
And The father of her children is also confessing his never will die love for her.

He knows about the new man in her life.
He does not want her to break up with him.
but he maintains, he's not happy where he is.
His heart lies in her hands- in her smile, in her capability to handle difficult situations with less to average
resources and still manage to smile.
His heart lies with her capability to have her children maintain a healthy status all year through, without any help from him.

As i write, my heart goes out to her.
She's wondering why Baby Papa is confessing his love and being so nice to her.
Reminiscing and fantasizing a would have been future with her.
Why he just does not stay where he is.

She was fine, without him. she'd learnt to re-love herself enough for the whole world.
she was smiling from her heart, and not just with her teeth.

alright, so, anyone out there.
What does this guy want? Is it a ploy to keep her glued to unhappiness?
Is he sorry? If he asked, should she say yes?

and the Man she's in love with?
What happens now?

Next time, I'll give you a brief background into the Man she's love with right now, and how far they came.

You see she has a six year history with both men. One is the father of her children and the other is the Man who keeps around and is nice..

More next time.

for now, she's confused.

Confusion at its best-gibberish rambling

Everything was fine. As in awesome. I loved it all. I lived, breathed this session of my life.

The Chemistry was right. I was crushing, much as everyone thought it was much much more than just a crush
I knew it was not real.

It felt so perfect to be real. I mean, if i were really in love with this subject, I would have it in me to go green with envy whenever they talked about extra curricular visitations to people like me.
But, instead, i encouraged them said visits. I've been happy getting the Saturday Night Light sessions.
Oh, yeah, they'd grown to more than just Saturday but hell, who was complaining.

I wasn't. Subject was enjoying them. Wallowing in them in fact.
alright, so what's wrong now? If the picture was perfect, what happened?

let me add a little more bright colors to this picture that am about to erase-totally erase.
This Subject, we'll call him ME, says the right things at the right time.
Does not fail to bring me joy, happiness and to a ecstatic end of every journey.
He compliments, flatters me like no one ever has.
and i love him. Yes I love him-not crushing but loving.

Well, why am erasing the picture? you'll ask.
He told me he loved me back. Yes, I was angry, tired and didnt have my wits about me.
and he told me that He loved me.
Now, I waited 7 years to hear him say this.
And when he did, I felt empty. It was like, I'd reached the end of the journey but the house I'd expected to find was broken.

I was not excited. I felt lied to. Cheated, it felt so anti climatic.
Usually, when someone tells you they love you, you're supposed to be happy, prolly give them some
and Celebrate. Instead I walked out. I went home.

No, I didnt go home. But yeah.

So, CE loves me. Years later. Very many years later.
And I love him, but i want out. I've walked out. He has let me walk-gentleman that he is.

This here is another pointless, emotional rambling. One i shouldn't even share with the public, but I will share.
No one does make sense of anything I write. Hmm, not even I, But then it feels good letting it out.

Talking to myself on the way home does not seem to cut it enough. simply does not.
Oh, i have some juicy juicy gossip about someone else. But will do this a little bit later on. After I catch me some good shut eye and can thereby think and write coherently.
Not this gibberish...

huh!!!
Thank you once again.

I never used to be

Sitting at Ciao Ciao nursing an ice cream gone liquid.
Am here waiting for a friend to show up, did lunch at a beautifuly laid back home restaurant, rode across town for ice-cream when i should be...
Nah i shouldn't be nothing.
Well, he had to step out and take care of some business, and i love the quiet.
It's like, I just rediscovered me. Sitting here watching people, writing out conversation scripts for couples (stuff i assume they are saying depending on body language)
Unplugging people who walk in and out.
Now, that is what/who I was. I loved my corners. I loved talking to myself and coming up with conspiration theories about everything.
Hey, i lived out some of my theories and those are some of the best memories.

So, as i sit at this hard wooden bench at this silly expensive bogus ice-cream place in a so-called rich-neighborhood, listening to TIMBERLAKE'S Mirrors and watching my ice cream melt.....
I decided to just reach for a note book.
And here I am. i am many things, persons but i know a few things i never used to be.
I never used to enjoy hanging out in public places. I loved my bed.
Now, i dont exactly hate my bed but it feels like a prison. It's hard catching sleep without going through finances and the constraints that come with being short on cash perpetually.
Which reminds me, that I Necer used to care/mind about money. It was never an issue. Didn't have much hell, i never had enough but i didnt care anyway. I went with whatever was available. And it had to be enough.
Now, i am always looking for money.

Oh yeah, i never cared much for sexual relations, but now, i do. Am scared of screwing up something good. If the chemistry is right, I'd rather we kept it at that. let's ride on that wave. why bother taking it to another level only to kill it?
so, I've been kissing a perfect boy, who thinks am a perfect girl, and it's perfect. and i was wrong about him. so totally wrong.
Back there, i thought, he just wanted my body for his own satsfaction but i've had to take back my assumptions.
Never had a man who turns me on this much on every sense of the word and he's turned on by me, but listens to my gibberish reasoning as to why its not right.
He complements me at any one given moment. I mean like out of every 3 statements two are complimenting me. Flattering me here and there. And no, i didn't meet him this week. I've known him for plenty years. We separated, i went on to have kids with another man, broke up with the said baby papa, even hurt mr. Perfect crush but he's still here.
Warming my insides like no man ever has or prolly will.

Enough of telenovela love gallore

I never used to thinl about anyone beyond their shadow-now i fall in love with people. I pray for people's marriages, i talk mu friends into making up with their not so nice to me women.
I pray for the woman my baby papa is having a baby with.

I never used to be nice.
Now am nice. Scary, but i love and care for human folk.
I find myself wishing i could save the whole world.
Give out my clothes at the slightest provocation. I give out my money without thinking twice about it.

Alright, now am rambling.....
I love you so much i cant breath sometimes but i will not be with you.

Reflections?? One better, best Facebook Status update this week,

Over time I have discovered there is no absolute finish line for everyone in the race of life. 
Our tracks are different and our durations are different. 
The only thing we have in common is the same empire. 
For instance, one person graduates @ age 20 and struggles for another 5 years to get a job, another might graduate @ 25 and get a job immediately. 
One can marry a virgin and wait for the next decade to have the blessings of children, another lady probably after having series of abortions in her past, becomes a mother almost immediately after marriage. 
A fellow becomes MD @ 38 and dies @ 56, another becomes MD @ 55 and lives to 90. 
What a life! 

Life is full of twists, turns, ups and downs and many more surprises and disappointments.
 Life offers each one of us different opportunities and once an opportunity is lost, it's gone forever except by the grace of God. 
It is up to each one of us to patiently prepare, wait, recognize and utilize every opportunity. 
We learn on the way. 
No one knows it all or has it better.
 There is a reason why we all don't fall @ the same time. 
It's so that when one is down, weak and discouraged, the other who is strong, can encourage and lift the other person. God never promise that the road would be easy but he promised never to leave nor forsake us.
Although life is a competition, let us learn to go easy on ourselves and trust that God is working it all out for good (even if it doesn't make sense now).
 I know that there is a time for everything but most importantly that " it will come to pass ".
 Whatever trials, challenges or down time , this too shall pass and in due course, u will be up and strong again to lift up those who maybe down around u......
NEVER LOSE HOPE...

Encourage a friend in their journey of life!

Copied from www.facebook.com/sammy.saba.18

Am lucky to walk the same online streets with people like this one.
Cute compilation here.