AM tired Mama, am tired.

My 21 days' journey is coming to an end in less than 24 hours!!! Hooray!
I've learnt a lot or rather re-learned quite some.
That is not why I find myself exhausted though.
Mama, I will not whine about what you never told me regarding adulthood.

See, it has been more than a fortnight of me not writing anything. It's not that I've been in limbo, no. I have lived through many moments I would have loved to share with you here but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe Mama, i've been choking on the very air that has been keeping me going. #Sigh

There are all these expectations around me that make me want to escape to a not known place. Don't get me wrong, am not complaining about motherhood. That is just about the only fulfilling responsibility in my stance right now.
But, I've made the acquaintance of people. Some good. Really good people who have put me as priority in my time of need.

Others came to my space to use me a sample for whatever relational experimental projects they had running in their lives. Take for instance a couple of friends who at one time nick named me "The Communicator". What hurts most is I thought these two were the best thing that had come my way since I became a mother. The chemistry was right. I put them somewhere up there close to my own blood relations. I loved these two in the only way I knew how. Confided in them at the slightest provocation. I didn't know what holding back was when it came to these two.
But, in all that giving, I didn't stop to think or see that I was simply a pawn. Being pushed around for their own miscommunication or creation for pillow talk. When I stop to think about the times I should have seen what was going on, I wish I could kick myself over and over again. I am ashamed of myself for being so gullible.
Both were so clever, they always noticed when I was slipping away and would then feed me a few morsels off their table which kept me around some more. Like a dog, I kept to this Triangle. Until, I couldn't. It shattered me. The day it finally hit that I was just a pawn. That day. It shattered me.

Well, it will be a while before I recover from that abuse but wherever these two are, I pray they don't use another. I pray they find a way of being human.

Mama, and then there is an annoying crop of parent, that believes Children will be raised through an email. How do I tell them that my email parenting application crashed? How do I say, that the last email attachment I received has flourished into a nice little handsome two year old boy who stops to ask me why am crying. And he will say Sorry Mummy even though I haven't given him an answer. How do I tell them, these previously email attachments have turned into real people with emotions? How do I say, "my email does not work anymore"?

Furthermore, Mama, there are those other people who think am either a clown or their gateway to entertainment. There are these Social Media networks and am sad to say that I've been held ransom by my followers.
They will come accusing me of a "wrong comment" i wrote somewhere! Or whatever! Thing is, thought I had a right to write what I want to. Oh! There is a particular one who thinks am plastic on social media and should just quit it all together. Atti, everything I do is for show. The charity runs I engage in are for some sort of showing off or gloating or something! It saddens me that the one person who claims to have your back is the same one who will not hesitate to move a knife through your smiling heart.

Mother, I don't know. I wish I could get on the road and drive around for days on end. Stopping to eat, pee and bathe. I've stocked up on music I would listen to on my journey. Got me some Norman Brown, Dave Koz, Elvis Presley, Evanscence (sp), Micheal Bublè, Michael Kitanda, some Charmant. Lots of Bachata, Meringue and Salsa tunes. Am sure if I could drive around, I would forget some of these things. But I can't drive around just yet. However, we'll keep dancing in our little house with my little people.
Little people who believe Mummy is Mummy. Mummy is not showing off. Mummy punishes them when they are wrong and that does not make them want to leave home for boarding school.

I will stay with my little humans.

I hope all is good in that world you live in now. One day, we might just meet up.

Breaking out? Breaking Bad?...Breaking

“We are what we repeatedly do.” ~Aristotle

That holds so true. I have become so routine I can go through my day in my sleep. As in, I will wake up uh-hm freshen the kids and I, get breakfast done and served and on.. (you get the drill) And I can do this with a blindfold.
That is just so wrong- It's a small wonder I've not yet grown mold. What with the stagnancy and all.
I officially add another year to my collection in a couple of days. And I got thinking.. you know how one goes down that melancholy road when the year is coming to an end? You get all serious, sentimental and everything bright and futuristic. Well, yes, I am at that place. Reviewed my life as was, is and how I want it to be.

Life has been good to me. Really good. It has placed friends in my life. People I would not replace even though I had all artillery from the Gaza strip pointing at me. People like +Onadit (hey man, sorry but I just can't get over your selflessness). I got quite a list of them great people walking around in my heart, or rather they have me playing resident in their hearts and they've never charged me rent and aren't about to. Well, MOK if you think of asking for rent, Bambi I will report you to that footballer guy and ask him to take his name back. :D

In its goodness however, I have created and thereby settled in some zones. Zones that make life so predictable- so routine and almost so boring. I know routines sometimes breed security. I know that.
However, last night, on impulse I went to a show where my Little Sister was singing and her friends were showcasing their fashion lines. So, I got there, sat down and settled with my phone at a table and chatted away with friends on the phone.. very anti-social right? I had people all around me but I kept talking to people through this small item in hand.

Until my sister walked back to me and introduced herself and I to all the people around us and even the ones on the next table!! You should have seen me! I wanted to die..OK, maybe not die but kind of disappear!
But I lived through it. Managed to make small talk.

Then I shared my experience with 'my chat buddy' and they were like.. true! you should break the routine. Do something different for your new year... This is what they said:

"i don't care if u walk naked steal a car or something like that just break the cycle"

Extreme? huh? Yep. But it got my adrenaline up and doing things.. oh well, in my mind at least. Because when life-time Crush Maurice Kirya

This Guy..hm!

 When that Maurice guy came on stage all I could do was lift my small phone and manage a few shots. Even when my bubbly companion managed to get a pass backstage (OK- she had a pass since she'd performed) and asked me to tag along for a selfie...or something..anything that would lay my life-long crush to rest... I simply cowed further down in my seat!! So much for breaking free!!!! One day though, I will do something crazy. something out of routine.
Got a few thoughts.. and will do them. Give me some ideas of what I could do different. Anything you'd like to see someone else try out for you- apart from committing suicide... Because Suicide hates me.

And then, this morning routine breaks out again. Start the day normally, go through the usual, Mummy can i have more toothpaste and all and then I check my Facebook news-feed. It was a random itch that sent me checking Facebook.

On it was this Chilling  report of Juliana's Son's Demise. No mother...no parent and absolutely no one (apart from the warlords- but those are not people.. they don't count as people in my world)... No one would want to place their little one in a little coffin. When they are oh so little.
And then again, I ask myself why? Why now? Why does this happen? Why do we fall in love only to lose it? I can not begin to imagine what she is going through right now..but I can't help the tears that keep rolling every time I imagine the little coffins floating all over our land.

My prayer this day today, is for every parent, family member and every one who has lost a family member to find strength in the promise that they've gone to a better life. That they are free from the pains and limitations of the physical body. That they have found peace. and that One Day, someday, when we too leave this ugly world, we'll be re-united. 

 May their Little Souls Rest in Peace.

So, my birthday is still on in a couple of days.I have no plans for that day. Might not even make that order for the once a year cake indulgence. All in the spirit of breaking routine. I will not do cake for me this year..come to think of it, no more birthday cakes at my house- We are breaking routine.. (did i get it wrong?)

And no resolutions either. Life is perfect as is. A few ripples here and there. I will not be here longer. Because I ain't growing any younger. so, instead of learning a new sport or spending time making new friends or hanging out at a bar/dance-hall.. I will concentrate on strengthening the relationships I have right now.
If perchance a new person walks into my life right now however, I will not turn them away.

We'll break the routine when it becomes very bad. Or when the routine wants to break up with me.

This week, we'll concentrate on celebrating the ones we have in our lives right now. Grateful for each and every single click i get on my blog. And as I turn yet another year, I will celebrate each and everyone of you.
Readers from where ever you read from. I appreciate you very much.

Thank you for being there. Thank you for standing my Jumbled thoughts and keep coming back for more.

Much Love

Happy birthday to Me.. Happy new year to me.

Village Girl