Shea Butter and Memories~Grateful

Timecheck: 04:06hrs. Even the frogs are quiet. An occasional vehicle sound is heard every few minutes-no hoots just a moving vehicle. I've been awake for an hour or so yet I slept slightly after midnight. Eh! This should not turn into a habit! No, it shouldn't.

Today is day 2 of 21 days of Me. But it's not over yet and I therefore don't want to talk about it~that would be premature.

Last evening however, I got home to a house full of needs and aches, it hurt.
Meet Didi, my 24 year old Autistic Cousin. His is a severe case of Autism we actually have to give him his bath and most times it takes him 2 hours or more to walk from the Dining table to the bathroom which is about 10 (ten) baby steps away. He is Special to me. Very special.
So, I came home to find Didi sweating 3 steps away from the bathroom door and my househelp seemed overwhelmed. I had to take over but not before she told me the water guys had been here and there was no water running from the taps anymore!! God! I'd payed my bills just earlier that morning! In my stupor, i walked to a light switch and flipped it just to be sure it was not a candle providing light! Well, called the water people and was assured it was a general supply problem which would be resolved by day break. Okay.

Back to cajoling Didi into getting into the bathroom.
Meet Micah, he is currently the Youngest Youngling in the house. When I left in the morning, he was a bit warm. When I came back, there was a mini box full of little medicine bottles! Arrrrrrgh! So, here I am asking Didi to make a step, checking out medicines, asking about dosages administered, hearing about the events at school from the two girls that you have not yet met, dying to pee and needing to rush to Micah's bed...oh! "have tommorrow's uniforms been laid out yet?"
Eventually, everything fell in place. Everyone went to bed. All bathed and fed and their stories heard and medicines administered and my feet aching and I have not yet Pee'd!!!!! Wait, I thought it would be all about working on paying the bills! Now, I even have to hold off going to the loo for hours on end! Eh! #sigh

Fast forward to a quiet house and my bathroom. Yes! Bathroom. If I could, I would stay in my bathroom longer. There is a fragrance that sends me to a time that saw me fall in love with Shea Butter. There was this one time I went visiting and my host had a whole array of Forever Sunshine bathroom things. I fell in love with the Shea Butter. I swear it was love at first inhale. I remember my host coming to check on me every so often because I was not leaving the bathroom! Ah! That whole visit was magical just! I look back at it and wish we could do it over and over again!
The whole night and next day was bliss personified.

I want to find this in Kampala

So, when I came back home from my blissful visit, I set out on finding those products but couldn't find them anywhere. (meanwhile, if you know where I can find Forever Sunshine products in Kampala, please let me know).
Well, I opted for something close and affordable- Baby Ballet~Shea Butter. Last night, I pulled out my last tablet of it (need to re-stock) and boy did I love my bathroom time of what!
So, here I am, my alarm clock is set to go off in a few minutes, am starting to feel sleepy but I know that if I did that, then the whole morning would be ruined. Do not want to rush through it and I promised myself to have breakfast today. I refuse to go through another day on just half a biscuit and two hard boiled sweets! That I refuse.
Today, there is another meeting at my place of work. #Sigh
There is that call to the Grand Mothers, have to read up on some materials regarding adoption...
They are awake!!! Even before the alarm clock goes off!!! Oh boy!

Good morning.

Dear God, hold my hand today. Today is the day You have made. Let me rejoice and be glad in it. Give me the grace to accept the Things I can not change.
Thank you Father for your never ending mercies that are new to me Every morning. Lord, Reach Your Mighty healing Hand to everyone who has a pain/ache and/or disease. Father, heal the broken hearts as only You know how. Be the solace for the homeless, be the comfort for the hopeless. Give us Grace to accept your Grace.
Lord, May your will be done today. In Jesus' Name I pray,
Amen

21 days of Me.

Today started me on a twenty one day journey where I will be the Head of a household and an entire family. No, not today- Flag off was Yesterday evening but First day on the job was today.<< scratch that

Take Two: This morning, Reality finally hit home that for the next 21 days I will have children, grand children, aunts and uncles- neighbors too on my case. "But you have always done this Momo"
Yes, I have. But not to this level, a few things were conveniently not mine to think about. I had mastered the art of looking the other way when some of the above mentioned members surfaced.

"So, what happened? How come you are in the driving seat now?" 
Well, my Partner in Action has gone a-mothering. And now, I am here. It has been three years since I slept in a house where I was the only adult.

Last evening, I flagged her off and for the first time in very many years I saw a Woman who needed me. A Woman who seeks love just like she gives it. I wished she were going away on holiday. I wished and wished because when all is said and done, she needs a holiday this Partner of mine.
am talking about my Back Up, My Dad, my Mother, Grand mother to my children, Landlord and new found friend- My Aunt. I've been so caught up in my own drama I forgot to love her.
With all that sentimentalism floating around in my heart, I was sure I would handle this.

Sya! all I have to do is place a call to the Jajja's every so often. Yell at the kids and threaten them with no cake when Jajja comes back, Get Didi out of bed for his morning bath, threaten the maid and all would be done. 

Ha Ha Ha

That was last night. This morning however, it was a different story. First thought that crossed my mind was the Utility bills I'd put off paying until next month! Then it hit me that in the event these guys came round before next month did, we would be disconnected as there would be no one to place that emergency call! Out came the phone and Glory glory, Mobile money was working! Boof! there went the Ka contribution towards getting my passport back!

By the Time 6 a.m came by, I was mentally tired.

Children were ready for school, Didi was bathed, Micah had gotten his medicine and instructions had been issued, Other babies were bathed, dressed and put back to bed. Dinner was planned.
More instructions issued out. 6:50 a.m! and I was not yet dressed. #sigh
Well, I got ready for work by 7:00 A.m and managed half a biscuit- Handed the other half to Didi!
Wait, it's 17:30 and all I've had today was that half biscuit!!

All in all, the day has been today. It's gone by. It's a wonder I managed to the best presentation at an office meeting this afternoon. When all I was thinking about was my other little girl who is out of school yet her exam is in a month's time.
And oh! I still think about adopting another child. Yes, I am going to have another baby.
Overwhelmed! Yes I am, but I have space for one more. Even many more.

Day two will be a bit better. I hope it is better.
As I head home, I think about the un-done, un-resolved emotionally draining relationships that still hang in balance. And that call to the Jajjas.

But, if we live through tonight, we'll do this again tomorrow.
Goodnight Mauryn.

PS: When was the last time you did something for someone else? 
When was the last time you went out of your way to make another's life easier? 
When did you last donate blood? When did you last share your meal? 

Things Changed Mama~Catchup

Dear Mama, it's rather awkward opening this letter to you. See, I would like to say "I hope you are doing well" but then that does not sound right at all. It's been many years now. However, I will tell you that I am okay.

Last evening I passed by what used to be your work place. I remember the day you took me to have my tooth extracted then you bought me Schweppes- just like it happened yesterday. That was the only day I came by your workplace. Well, the building is still standing but Coffee Marketing Board is no longer in existence. We have been running after your retirement benefits for a long time now but there seems to be nothing coming through. However, still we push on.

Meanwhile, since you've been gone, so much has changed. If you were to come back right now, believe me you'd need a tour guide and strength to read through so many manuals.

Not so long ago, a man murdered his girlfriend in cold blood. Imagine this, she was in a 1.5m by 1.5m or thereabouts sized bathroom and he thought she was an intruder. So, first thing, before calling Police or screaming for the neighbors, he picked up his gun, wore his legs and fired four bullets through the door!! FOUR BULLETS!! Wasn't that a bit too much? However, a female judge failed to find him guilty of murder! Imagine that. He got a way with a simple massage on the wrists... Verdict was- not guilty of murder on all counts. Guilty of culpable homicide.

I was quite too anguished to ask #Google what culpable homicide was. so, I let it at that. The Law that delivered that verdict was kind of saying that it is okay for one to kill another and get away with it.

Now, I know I got away with a few things where you were concerned. You left when I was only but a child but a few memories are still loud inside my head. I remember the one room we shared a year before we separated. As of 2013, it was still standing by the way. I remember you favoring me when it came to time for meting out punishments. I remember quite some.

When you left, I was angry at you for leaving me. Seeing as we had un-finished business. I had so many questions to ask. So many questions about growing up. About my paternal heritage- the answers everyone else gave me were not satisfactory so, I still had questions to ask.

Years on, my stand has changed. I can actually hear many of the answers to the questions I wanted to ask. Life is giving me answers. I look back at our short-lived time together and I wish I could say sorry. Wish we could have tea sometime.

Meanwhile, you would be proud of your grand children. Believe you me you would. Currently, there is a whole six of them!! Six Grandchildren. Two smart little boys and Four lovely Young Girls.

Alright Mama, a small gadget called a Mobile phone was introduced. I hadn't heard of it by the time you left, and am sure if it were there, you could have had it. This mobile phone keeps evolving and recently evolved into something called #IPhone6. Ha!!! The cost alone makes me draw up a shopping list that would send my little ones to kid heaven and back time and again.
I will not say I want to afford it. No, I will not work towards buying an Iphone, but will wish the holders of it well.
I however wonder if when 'Flight mode' of #Iphone6 is activated the owner can actually get on a plane to a location of their desire!! I wonder.

Also, TV is not as boring as it used to be. No, it was not boring back then but still fades in comparison to today's TV. You know, when am unhappy- read going through an emotional phase (read that estrogen phase before the messes).. and I don't want to take it out on my loved ones- I watch TV. For this month's phase, I watched Jack Bauer. He's always a tough cookie but the last scenes of the final episode of Live another Day, made me cry. Now, I had never had an emotional breakdown while watching Jack but this time round I did.

It must be the hormonal overload doing that to me. So, when 24, Live another day was done, and the emotions were still raging, I made a phone call. One I believe I will regret for a long time.

Will tell you about how the Relationships landscape has changed since you have been gone. That will be for later. As of now, I have another phone call  I want to make. Will also tell you about that one next time.




Till then Mama,

Mauryn

Sleep Sleep Go away

Ever been somewhere and all you can think about is Sleep? Good old, mind consuming, snore (and others) inducing sleep? Well, happened to me today.

Normally, afternoons are not exactly my most productive parts of my day but they are most alert times of the day (Something sounds grammatically wrong with this line).. But yeah, by 14:00 hours am as alert as a mother hen who has sensed a kite flying around her little ones. However, today was just wrong. Nothing worked out the way it usually does- So, I slept. I sleep talked, sleep thought, sleep went to the bathroom and everything sleep.

This is how it started out. A boss chose today to be the day he lays off one of his employees! Today of all days. Okay, that was my problem but there was nothing I could do about it. So, powerless as I was, I chose to go find food.
Yes, I stress eat. With every morsel of food down my throat, I kind of forget about the issue at hand. Be it a heartbreak, job loss, sick child- or someone taking me for granted... I eat it all away. Do I love my food or do I love my food.

So, off to food hunting I went. Found an eatery that didn't look so bad and ate all I could eat for Uganda Shillings Three Thousand. Approximately one dollar and a few cents! Cleared my plate and if time could have indulged me, I might have gone for a second plate. Yes, things are that bad. Maybe, it's more than a friend losing their job, maybe deep down there is something else eating me up. I know there is something else eating me up beyond today's occurrence. But I hope a few more pounds from today, I will have walked away from whatever is bothering me.

After that meal, I made my way humbly and very quietly back to my workstation. And then All sleep hell broke loose!! Aiya!! Tried watching a Jack Bauer episode but wa!!! Walked out of the office room, sat somewhere at the veranda and not even the sounds of a random village woman thumping a little child could keep me awake. In fact, I thought I was dreaming the sounds!! Woman kept telling the young girl she would beat them while she was actually beating her up. In my sleep, I could feel the punches like as if they were on me. But still I slept!

Walked back to my work desk and still slept. Tried out Social media-eh!!!

So, here I am. Telling you about my sleepy afternoon. With twenty seven minutes to head home, i still want to sleep.

Sleep sleep go away, come again in few hours- When the whole world has gone to sleep.

Cheers my friends.

Sleepy Mo.

Memory Dump!

New month is upon us, I believe all time zones should have congregated to the new month of September by now. Well, if anybody hasn't yet, they soon will. It's Day two already!

This morning, I woke up with a determination to do something different. Leave my bed without the alarm going off twice, get to work on time, and everything else that I failed to do last month.
Well, I tried my best. I got to work five minutes before the official clock-in.... #Drums

So, it is a new month, huh? New things should be coming in leaps, right? Right. aah! Did I hear a "Happy new month?" Nah, not yet. But I did hear about a break up. Yes!! A couple did break up this morning. But then again, who does that? Who breaks up at the start of a month? Especially since School is just starting and the weather is so wrong for a single lifer. How will the bills get paid? Who really does break up with their lover just like that? With a reason as fickle as she forgot to wish his Mother a Happy Birthday!!!  Arrrrgh!!!

Well, if you've managed to stay with me this far, you'll notice that my system seems to be crushing. My Tech Friends have a phrase "Memory Dump"

Memory dump primarily identifies a problem or error within the operating system or any installed application within the system. Typically, memory dump provides information about the last state of the programs, applications and system before they were terminated or crashed. This information consists of memory locations, program counters, program state and other related details. It is displayed on-screen and also creates a system log file for viewing/referencing later. After memory dump, the computer is generally unavailable or inaccessible until it’s rebooted. Memory dump can also be caused by memory leak, when the system is out of memory and can no longer continue its operations.

 Sad to day but I am kind of experiencing a dump. No, no no. Not that other one, but the one similar to the above excerpt. The month of August came and went without a single post from me not that my fingers were gone but my mind was unavailable. It had been dumped.

But a few things happened. A few nice things that make me smile when I think about them.
Month started out quite well, I have a ten day holiday!!! and oh, that was the start of my stagnation.

Just as I was planning an all crazy night out (think drinking binge) catastrophe came hurtling. But with the bad news came a great trip to nowhere.

Drove to a land far away. A very beautiful land I may add.

Still within the same August, schools chose to close and that meant longer hours playing everything a mother can be under the sun.

August still, came with a realization that i was as human as the next person or as the last person who was buried a few minutes ago. I am here just for a while and very soon, I will also be gone. Written off. And I will have R.I.P as the an addition to my name.

August, Oh August... family trials not withstanding, it came to an end.

so many months have come and go but August is one month I will not miss. I do not think I will for a moment sit back and say.. "Oh, that was a good month" . No, August 2014, was a wrong month.

If I could, I would have slept my way through it. I Would have hit the fast forward button all the way to September 19, 2014- When my son turns two, sleep again and wake up at Christmas.

Christmas. I love Christmas, and when am done dumping my mind all over this post, I will go back and dream about Christmas.

But for now, I will go back to making calls to my Middle East Clients... maybe just maybe, I'll be on an airbus to one Middle East Destination soon.

You Stole from me

Dear Friend,
I do not hope you are doing well at all. I am not usually a hateful person but something about the memory of you brings out all the hate in me.
See, you and I were close. You knew my dinner plans two days ahead. You reminded me to burp my little one after a feed, you reminded me to check on the cake baking in the oven. You were with me.
Physically apart we were but the thousands of miles and difference in time zones didnot matter. In an era where whatsapp messenger, viber and all the messenger clan members were not yet born..we managed to keep in touch every minute of everyday.
In you I found a friend, confidante and everyone warm and fluffy. Not even the man with whom I shared my bed, body and baby could elicit a smile as wide as the one that flashed whenever my phone vibrated.
#Sigh
You were my sister, brother, best friend and my Me.
So, the day you called to tell me you'd be in town for a three day training was no doubt a happy one for me. I knew we were not going to paint each other's nails or try out each other's petticoats but I had envisaged a fruitful meeting. One where we'd talk personal development. Maybe you telling me about The girl in your life, the one with whom you'd been having problems.
I prepared the evening meal at mine in haste so as to be at your hotel in time for us to catch up and me to get back home before my housemates came home. I carried my little one and off to Your Plush hotel room we trudged.
Little did I know that you had "other plans" for me.
Other plans
Plans that saw my daughter cry herself coarse while you forced yourself on me. I asked you to stop but I doubt you heard my plea. Maybe you did but didnt care.
Tell me, did you feel a better man? Better than the one who was taking me for granted back at my house? All the time you and I had been talking, you seemed to be an understanding person. You understood why I hang in there even when my partner got physically abusive.
But that day, your understanding all disappeared in a haze. I hurt but I could not cry. My baby was crying for her and I. I prayed for her to keep quiet. I prayed that you'd climax and get off me. I prayed that that Thursday would be erased from memory.
When you were done, you apologised, gave me money and left us in your hotel room.
You stole from me.
You stole my belief that no one has sex with another person if they are not in any sort of relationship.
You stole my special box where i kept my values for sex, love and marriage.
You took away my belief in Happily ever afters.
You robbed me of my will to forgive. You turned me against me. You Robbed me.
I took that money home, told my partner- my bad partner about what had happened.
He wept.
We wept.
I still weep. And I hope you are not doing well. Because you stole my goodwill.
Don't be fooled by the happy stories you hear about me, I don't know what happy is. I want to forgive you but that would mean forgiving myself. And I blame myself for trusting you.
My partner forgave me and maybe even forgave you. But I haven't.
You robbed me of my happy little girl. The one I had bubbling inside me.
I hope you are not well.