God approves of me.

Staring into the dark, listening to the dogs bark and all manner of night sounds.

Time Check: 3:00 A.m

Micah is sleeping, everyone is asleep. And am awake.

Had an interesting conversation with my favorite cousin-Jojo earlier on.

Well, I was rumbling on and on about how sad, scared I am.

Scared of letting everyone who believes in me down-and oh gurl, lotsa people blv in me

Young and old alike, they all think Mauryn has a solution to their problem.

From fixing broken toys to helping heal broken hearts.

And everything in between.

Even my daughters know Mummy will fix anything they break. Just take it to her and smile,

she'll make it work once again.

Give Mauryn 30k and she'll feed the family for a week! Oh yes I do that.

Even my significant other parent knows, give Mauryn 40k and she'll take care of 3 children for 

a month! 

If that much of a super heroine, why is my heart in shambles?

Why can't I believe in myself.

My bosses believe in me. My colleagues at work believe in me. She can do it all, right down to

graphics design, though i've never been to a graphics' designing class!!!

Oh well, so, 3 a.m it is.

And am reliving my life.

20 years ago, I met my father-my biological father- RIP.

Now that I look back, it was not a chance meeting, my scheming maternal grandma planned it.

so, am introduced to this Handsome man, all dressed up. meanwhile, i didn't even have sandals on my feet.

I'd walked barefoot, uncombed kinky hair, and a dress made from the leftover material of my grandma's gomesi for the previous year's christmas presents.

Two human beings from very different world. After the greetings were done away with, he asked me one question: "Is she there?" 

so i ask him; "Who?" 

Response: "Your Mother.".

 Me: She left this morning.

All i wanted to do was disappear in the ground, I wished i were as clean and well dressed as the brother who'd been introduced to me. Very handsome 3yr old Daniel.

My father didn't touch me. I so wanted him to hug me. I craved his hug, a hair rub or any physical contact.

Well, they left for Kampala, and I went back to school at the end of my holiday. Still no shoes.

My mum passed on, that very year, My father didn't show up. His Aunt though came for her burial.

A year later, I bump into him again, at another funeral. We had another  5 line conversation.

Father: Where are you spending christmas

Me: I don't know

Father: how was school

Me: Fine

Father: Am talking to you, don't you have anything to tell me

Me: Silence.

And that there I realize is the source of my inability to believe in myself.

Years, later, am still waiting for someone to approve of me. My father has been gone for 16 years now.

I love a man who's treated me like my father. 

I long for his approval but get none. I pray he'll notice me but he doesn't.

I know deep down, am looking in the wrong places.

My Lord God, approves of me. That I know.

As of today, November 20, 2012. Lord, I will be satisfied with your love and only your love.

I know now that You love me in a way no one else will ever love me.

Am sorry Jesus for abandoning your love for human affection.

Forgive me Lord.

Gimme the Grace Jesus, to walk and bask in your never ending mercies.

Teach me Lord to love you.

Amen.

MA HERE, JUST SAYING I LOVE YOU SON

4 weeks old

Its been a while young man.
Someday, soon I know, we'll be discussing how ya day went at home, then pre-school, then main school and I can't wait for the day I'll be asking after my grand kids and their Mum.

Hello Micah, your maternal grandma prefers to call you MAN(Micah Adam Namuyimba).

We simply love you all.
You might be wondering what the heck is up with your sisters.....hate to say this Son, but I told you so.

They be weird like that....I heard a few days ago, one of them wanted you to carry her on your lap!! Imagine that. Well, be assured that they love you alot.

Your coming into our lives marked the beginning of a very special era. Especially in my life.

Daddy, left for good just before you were born. His new lady love moved in with him just before you came here.
He made a choice and I just couldn't make him change his mind.
Right now, you  might be wondering why he does not stay with us, why he shows up only once every few weeks.
and soon he won't be showing at all. But worry not, you are in good hands.
All is well.

We'll make it through it all. You and your sisters are safe now.

Gotta get back to work. that was my lunch break.
Love you Son.

RUMBLINGS OF A BROKENHEARTED 3 TIME MUM

"let go Mauryn". "Its ok"
"You'll be fine".
Thanks fans, I know y'all mean well.
"I love you Moryn, more than I love her"
"Am confused, i feel like am cheating on you"
"Mauryn, I miss you, and my family"
"I want my family back".....
And on you went Ram. but all I was hearing was ...."you aint good enough".
"You aint rich enough...you can't buy me a movie ticket"
"She's richer, wears high heels, well studied....moryn, you can't measure up".
Ram, 6 years, 3 kids, we prayed for a boy child and God gave us one. And the best thanks we give God is a broken family!
How grateful humans can be!
I won't lie about my state of things. Am hurting. Hurting. Hurting.
What I dont understand is why you have to let me know. Show me. Even id i dont ask.
People who usually do this, have pity on the afflicted party and spare them the details.
Would you reallu love someone if you didn't care if they got hurt.
I need to cry this out.
Wait i've been crying all this time. Just can't seem to cry it all out. This time round, not even talking is taking the pain away. Lord knows i've talked.
Imma pray, pray n pray.
Lord this hurts.
Dear Daddy,
this is ya little girl, Maureen.
Remember when you told me you'll always be here? When you said, no one will hurt me?
Daddy, Ram broke my heart.
Village Girl
(Mother, Friend, Neighbor)

Drastic Measures? Don't think so

Well maybe a little too drastic for some people's tastes.
But then again, how much longer will i stand for this?
This thing that eludes a name.
I always give in, am always the lenient one,
the one who cares, the one who's always sorry
am the one who always catches his falls.

Yeah, its like he needs me just to prove he can be man enough
when all else fails, even when his own mother and sisters turn their backs on him
he knows i'll give him a back rub and laugh with him back to good times and
standing with his family, friends and bosses
that's when he forgets about me.

Not just me, but the children too.
Children he claims he loves so much he can't live without.
these are the same children he wont share his money with.
but for some reason he's always busy working.
Can't even afford to make a phonecall from his office desk phone
to just talk to the girls, because that usually makes them happy for a few days until he calls
again or shows up. To him its a bother.
But he's got all the time to spend in bars and movie halls with his new girlfriends.

women who at first he comes to me telling me how they r running after him and he does not like them.
A while later, they start 'buying him expensive perfumes'
before i know it, he's moving out with them and they are trying to be more than friends.

and then its my fault the girls are calling someone else's name before they go to bed at night.

God, what on earth did i do wrong? Whose sins am i paying for.
I've read somewhere in the bible, where God's wrath will be visited upon the third even fourth generations
whose sin Lord, should i repent for? What was it that ticked you off so bad, that i have to go through this?
My kids too? are they the fourth generation in this?

Dear Lord, save me from my own destruction. Save me Lord.

You gave me Love, You Love me unconditionally, that I know.
And as my Dad, am asking you Daddy to heal my heart. Please heal my heart.
Children are a gift from you. You've given me these lovely gifts,
do they have to suffer so? What happened to their earthly father?
Did you bring him to my love for just this one purpose? Procreation?
Then why did you take the one man I had found some emotional peace away from me?
Ok Daddy, you gave me a sperm donor, now, where is their earthly Dad.
Jesus had Joseph.
Who will they have?
Dad, its hard being a single mom. Its just hard.

Its been a while since we spoke.
but  hey, never doubt for moment that u r loved.
you are cherished my dear boy.

Even with the sleepless nights that your kicks and turns
sometimes cause, I cherish you.

I love and cherish each and everyone of those rowdy sometimes gentle
movements.

We await your great arrival. It wont be long now.
Soon, you'll put faces to the voices you've heard, and there
will be new faces and voices too.

Mummy will be here for as long as you want her to.
I love you my son. Truly do love you.

Hugs and Kisses

Ramblings of Me

Blank Stare? Seriously? After tossing and turning the whole night and having quite lots to say last evening! Wow. You surely have done a number on me.
I can't believe the blubber mouth in me insists on staying in the background.
Turned a new year yesterday and with it am hoping i turned i new leaf. This time for real.
Been saying this over and over and over and yet i keep going back to the same old things.
Unresolved arguments, silent treatments, three weeks of no communication and then just when my
wounds seem to be healing you show up.

and the cycle starts all over again. Well, this year I plan and I want things to be very different.
"Juliet has left the Balcony"
This Romeo and Juliet thing has come to an end. I didnt know i had it in me to put an end to it.
But I do. and am taking that power and using it.

I know what it feels like to be in a normal relationship. I had that for 5 months before you
came in with your grand plans. You painted a picture so clear and so big, i Left my normal relationship
to re-paint the Grander picture with you. And what do i get, our art session didnt last four weeks!!

Even those four weeks had me and only me holding the painting brush while u were away on break. just an occasional peek to check on the progress, and then Wham!!! u didnt like it anymore.

all of a sudden I was becoming clingy and moving too fast for you.

and then again, its my fault, I should have realized that all u wanted was to have me unhappy and alone.
once again, you achieved your goal. Sad to say, i was there cheering you on.

So, here I am, like I said, do what u think makes u happy. am doing just that.
You can count on me not being ya back up, or the girl u call whenever u r bored.

Late night phone calls after 2 weeks of absence are a no no.
You know the kids are in bed by 9pm. So, it does not make sense calling to talk to them
at 11 pm on my mobile.

this is where it all stops.
Today, Now.

Cheers

MUM'S GONNA BUY YOU A MOCKIN' BIRD......

I know somethings may not make sense to you right now....

I get the feeling most of the time...

Oh well, we'll have to take it one sweet little step at a time. No matter how painful these steps might turn out, we'll take them and we'll get there.

was telling your sisters about you yesterday...Well, Lexi aka Azzaria could not imagine there is a baby in the mummy's buto buto.

Taira kinda understood, and now its no longer mummy's big buto, its baby.

So, son, i'd like to call you Adel. How does that sound to you? We'll discuss that with Dad sometime when we can. He  might be having his own idea.

I love you son. I really do love you. I can't wait...oh yes i can wait. Am waiting for the day you'll come home. The day you'll teach ya sisters how to ride a bike...boys usually have a way of learning these things on their own.

Make no mistake..I can ride a bike. Am just getting too old. Though we'll work something out when u come here.

about that little cozy bed i promised you, am placing the order next week. So tht by the time we've finally settled in at our new place(we'll be moving house with ya sisters soon), ya bed will be ready and accessorized.

You might not see Dad alot or even at all for the first few years of ya life. But am sure and be assured that he loves you lots. He has his own way of showing his love but he loves you. and when you meet him, you will love him too. He is a good man. That's why you are his son. 

Most important of all, we have God on our side. Aaaah, you definitely know about God, I've been told all the times you kick and stretch, u are actually playing with God's angels. 

Sometimes though, i touch my tummy i feel u touch (kick) at where i've placed it....I love you too. 

well, been rambling alot. kinda going thru a phase here. Talk to u again soon Son.

Lots of love from Earth.

Ma

THEE FIRST AND LAST

Dear Son,
its the 16th day May 2012. You are 21 weeks old in my womb. Meaning we have another 19 weeks to go before you can see everyone else.
Am pretty much sure, you've heard voices and are wondering what's going on.
My dear boy, worry not. All in good time. I can feel you kick and grumble. First thing today, i felt you stretch, well, i understand. I did over sleep too. Was a long quiet night.

So, let me introduce the voices you've been hearing. The first voice you had this morning, "we go susu potty"
that was ya big sister. Azzaria Alexandria Namuyimba. You come after her. She's your immediate big sister.
Quite choosy and assertive. You two should hit it off big.

There was another voice, "Mummy, I have pain here". That was Altairah Nalubowa Namuyimba. She's your other Big sister. Older than Azzie.
This one is a caring one. Quite moody but she cares for her own. Reminds me of her Dad sometimes. There was a time when he'd go without so that others can have.

Oh yeah, Dad. Spent a whole hour on the phone last night. Guess you heard me bicker, not sure if u were hearing the voice on the other side but yes, I was on the phone with Dad.

And am called Mummy. We've met. And I can't wait to hold you in my arms. 19 weeks and counting.

Will feel you in as the journey continues.

One thing you can be sure of son, is that, you are treasured. You are loved. There is more people I'll be telling you about as time goes on.
For now, I need to get back to making money...Money...that's what we need to survive. It's been said, Love covers all, but then there are medical bills and etc to be covered....

Yes, by the time you are here, you'll have your own little nice bed. That's why I need to make money.

We'll catch up later love.

Stay Calm. We love you. All of us.

Here we go again

This is home.

I've been away for what seems like eternity.

Like its often said....east or west....home is best.

Am loving the feel of my warm almost thread bare blanket....smells so home.....mmmmmmmhhh-how i missed the tiny ants running up the latrine wall.

Home....how many years has it been?

10? 20? who knows? I lost count.

Remember how i used to hide behind this same building...yes the latrine building to run away from the group heading to the village borehole for water.

And now, here I am sitting again....this time not hiding from a trip to the water place....but hiding from My Beloved Grandma's cries of pain.

She always looked so invincible to me....Like someone who would never die. She is not supposed to go just yet. Dear God, please here my plea. I still need her.

Even when am dodging boda boda cyclists back in Kampala, or trying to close a deal that will make my boss millions richer....at the end of the day....I still need to know Jajja Flo is there somewhere and when i call her, she'll tell me the same story she told me yesterday about the neighbour's goats eating her cassava leaves..but i'll advise her none the less.

Dear God, let her live just this once. Let my Lexi and Altairah bring her water from the borehole (there is one nearer home now).

Let her live long enough for me to buy her a new Gomesi...i promise i'll do that at the end of this month. Just let her live.